The Vegas Roomates

Ok here's the deal, I've been out here for over a month now, and I could probably write 10 blogs on all of the crazy shit that's gone down, but first I guess I should introduce the players in this story.  We started the summer with 5 roommates, which is now up to 6, so lets get cracking.

We'll start with the most normal and work our way from there.

Me: Well, you know me already so I won't go into much detail here.  I sit around a lot, play poker during the day, piss money all over the city at night.  Look, I even got iced...  For those of you unaware of the history of icing, I'm not gonna explain, but google "bros icing bros", and you'll get a clearer picture.

Tom:  On to roommate number 2.  Tom's the young one of the group, recently turned 21 and ready to party it up in Vegas for a summer.  He goes to University of Maryland so clearly we were gonna have some ACC rivalry problems in the house, but after a few icings and re-icings all was good.  Unlike the rest of us, Tom has actually been making money, which raises the morale of the rest of us a little bit.  Yeah, not much though.  

Tom's interests include throwing Gatorade bottles through the living room window, winning insane amounts of paper at blackjack, and $2k conversations with strippers at the Rhino.

Unfortunately I somehow do not have a picture of Tom readily available for your viewing pleasure, so we will steal something from Tom's Facebook that I believe sums up this worthy human being.

And now we move farther away from normalcy....

Rens (Joopjan):  Now, it's very interesting when you decide to live for an entire summer with 5 other people that you've never met before.  In our case it was a bit different because we all "know" each other from online poker.  But there you just know a guys screen name, and maybe you talk to him a bit outside the game.  Trust me, I'm getting somewhere with all of this.

Rens' online name is Joopjan.  Us Americantards all believed it was pronounced (Joop-Jan), imagine our surprise when Joop showed up and told us it's really (Yoop-Yan).  Those crazy Euros and their pronunciations.  Oh well, Joop's been here the shortest as he didn't come out for June, but we're still calling him Joop with a J.

Joop is quite the interesting character, mostly due to the fact that he hails from Europe and they are all interesting characters over there.  He basically just takes everyone's money during the day and travels the world with it.  Although this could be because he plays on the absurdity that is Full Tilt Poker (how many millions would I have if I were an FTP guy???)  He was a bit disappointed when his native Netherlands lost the World Cup final to Spain (I might have made $5k on this game oh trueee), but somehow he shipped some other fuuutbol prop bet for 10k so now Joop is a legend.

You can always pick out Joop in our group, he's inevitably dressed the nicest.

Greg:  It's strange that I'm putting Greg as the 3rd least normal person in the house, because he's definitely an interesting character.  It just goes to show you how out of the world the last 2 are.  I had actually met Greg before this summer, during a Vegas trip during last years series.  Highlights of that meetup were Greg disappearing for 8 hours one night, complaining about the difficulty of 1/2 live poker, and waking us up at 5 in the morning to inform us of his mom buying him a plane ticket home.

Anyway, enough ragging on the kid he's a good guy.  Besides the whining and stuff, yeah he whines alot.  

Greg is really into the whole PUA thing.  For those of you unaware of this phenomenon PUA is short for pick up artist.  I'm not really sure about the whole thing but I know it somehow involves manipulating girls into banging you through some proven scientific method.  I dunno, but it seems to work for the guy he's pulling tons of females every time we go out.  Unfortunately for my friend Greg, I think he forgot to read the PUA chapter on closing (ohhhhhh sick burn!)

Before we leave I'm going to teach Greg my pick up strategy.  I call it the BFH line, which clearly stands for Big Faced Hundos.

Oh yeah, Greg also enjoys making peace signs in photos and looking like a goofball.  Evidence is posted below.

Greg does weird shit sometimes like trying to drown himself in the hot tub after a particularly bad session of poker.  Tom aided in his efforts.

Others are aware of the phenomenon that is Greg.  Below we have a true internet poker legend Ariolis30.  This guy just knows whats up, he plays billions of hands and has more FPP's than most of the free world combined.  But, this is the section about Greg, so we had Ariolis do the classic Greg pose...

Greg's brother even made it out to visit one week.  He pounded a quarter of a handle of Cuervo, started puking blood and was rushed to the hospital.  Probably the best part of the story was we followed behind him to the hospital in a limo we had rented for the night.

Pat (DrLuck):  Now Pat might get mad that I'm putting him as the second craziest person in this house, because in reality I'm fairly certain that he's a pretty laid back and normal dude.  I'm actually going to be moving to Miami with him later on in this year, so I'm really hoping he's not secretly an ax murderer after nice young Jewish lads.

So then you might be asking yourself "Daniel, why is Pat near the top of the crazy list?"  To which I will obviously respond, "Just continue reading you assclown."

Speaking of assclown, what a fantastic word.  Pat's actually the one that got me started on this and now pretty much everyone we meet is instantly renamed to some variety of this verbage.

Where were we?  Oh the insanity of one DrLuck.

Now before we came to Vegas, DrLuck (DRL from now on) was playing midstakes on stars (2/4 -5/10) for you non-poker following junkies.  Now that I think about it, you probably still don't know what the hell I'm talking about so you may just wanna skip down to Speedle (but enjoy the pictures).  Anyway DRL played midstakes for probably the year or so before we decided to get this place in Vegas.  The two of us played a ton together as that's what I play hooooray!  Unfortunately for me, he's really good at this game and I'm just meh, so he has all the paper.

For some reason, DRL decided he was just going to be the boss this summer.  He's been playing some of the biggest games online while the rest of the house sits around and watches in amazement.  Things started poorly with a -20k day (if we include the Rhino consolation trip afterwards) the majority of which was lost in a 20k pot where DRL's KK lost to AK all in before the flop.  Oh well, can't win em all, although that might have been a good one to win.

I thought this might be it for DRL's high stakes adventure, but it was only beginning.  The best part of this story is that after the first terrible day, he was nearly blackout drunk for the next 7 days.  Every waking hour was spent boozing, and there wasn't much sleep going on.  While in this state he continued to play the highest games that were running.  People were lining up to play as he was openly declaring his drunkenness to the world and basically just trash talking everyone until he got action.

Oh yeah and he made something like 30k over those 7 days.  Not bad for a guy who could be found lying around the house like the picture below in between sessions.

Whether its playing 25/50 against internet legends, passing out in clubs, trying to negotiate a happy ending massage, or parading around the house in a sombrero and insisting he be called "sombrero boy", DrLuck makes our list at number 2.

Which brings us to numero uno...

SPEEDLE (Mario de Ruiz de Ganador de Troooo):

Speedle is by far one of the 10 most interesting people on the planet.  He might even make the top 5.  He hails from Portugal (where I'm 94% certain his dad is the king) and this summer is his first time in the United States.  Being his first trip here, he's decided to let it all hang out and show us boorish Americans how they do it across the pond.

I could write 20 blogs describing stuff he's done this summer, but in the sake of keeping this readable we'll condense.

But first another picture...

My first night in town we went to a strip club.  I'm fairly certain this was Speedle's first experience at one of these fine establishments.  We went to the Rhino which is Vegas' famous club blah blah blah, waste of money, basically just paying for blueballs.  Speedle enjoyed himself to say the least.  Enough so that we've been back... a lot... ok a bit more than a lot.  

At least 5 times in the last month the following exact situation has occurred.  The Busto Ass Clowns (oh yeah this is what we are referred to as a whole entity) return home somewhere in the vicinity of 6-10am from Rhino or Sapphire, or normal clubs.  Speedle tells me to make sure he never goes out again, how were all way too degenerate, how pissing money is bad, etc.  When we wake up some hours later Speedle comes thundering down the stairs usually saying ("Wake up in the morning feeling like P-Diddy").  Unfortunately you readers can't hear him saying this in the awesome Portuguese accent.  

Speedle then finds out that he has spent all his money the previous night, so he comes to me for a loan.  When I refuse he will usually scream "I BEG YOU RHINO ONE TIME!" until I cave and fund the next night of degeneracy.

Rinse and repeat...

When were home at the house Speedle can usually be found chugging beer until he blacks out... "GIVE ME ANOTHER BREWWWWSKIIIII" can usually be heard at all hours of the day.

He's also become quite fond of the following youtube video.

He enjoys this video on levels beyond what you could imagine.  "What the fuck is that.... SHEEEIIIIT" can be heard usually 10 times per day whenever something slightly out of the ordinary happens.  This is usually followed by "IM DYIN IN THIS COUNTRY ASS SHIT" and then Speedle will run and watch the video a few more times.

I could go on, but I think you get the point... he's a crazy guy from Portugal, but definitely a great guy and I'm hoping he comes down to Miami with us.

Classic Speedle moments from the summer...

5)  "How bout we just sit out here and pound some fucking brewwwskiiiiiis"

4)  "I just lost 4k today I really don't want to do anything but sit out here and pound some fucking brewwwsskiiiiis"

3)  "Yo NoT (my nickname), I'm at Sapphire in a strip club last longer bet and have run out of money.  Please deliver 2k."

2)  He refuses to call a strip clubs by their real names.  Instead he refers to them as whorehouses.  This is probably true though.

1)  "What's your name baby?"
     "MY NAME IS IRRELEAVANT, AND I THINK YOU ARE VERY HOT, BUT I CANNOT AFFORD A DANCE FROM YOU."



- Nooooootilt